MK Herald Column: Man swallows Caldecotte Lake

Adam Lacey, Editor of satirical online newspaper The MK Herald, has some local crime news, an exclusive on the whispering statue and more…

Man swallows Caldecotte Lake

Police were called to Caldecotte after a man was reported drinking the entire lake through a straw.

Eyewitnesses looked on aghast as the whole area of water was sucked up into him within a matter of minutes.

The unnamed offender had protested to officers that he had felt “extremely thirsty” after a morning run and had to be excused from police interview on countless occasions to visit the toilet.

He was released on caution and will be sent the refill bill from Anglian Water. Geese and swans who use the lake are furious and expect him to polish their bills also.

The whispering statue’s secret

It has been confirmed that what is being whispered by the statue outside the library is “Milton Keynes is a bit of a sh**hole.”

Librarian Twiggy Oatmeal said: “We’re as shocked as anyone else, but not that surprised really.

“If you stand dead close to them around midnight you can hear the phrase being repeated over and over, it’s quite spooky.”

The statues have also said in hushed tones their backsides ache quite a bit having been sat in the same spot for such a very long time.

Woburn leaves its doors open

Woburn Safari Park will leave all its enclosures open and allow people out of their vehicles for an hour today so that visitors can interact with the animals.

Staff have agreed to turn their backs at midday and let nature take its course whilst man and beast coalesce. They will be allowed to pet and even ride some of the animals at their own risk.

The new idea will be tested for a week with minimum fatalities expected.

This column was published in the October 2018 issue of Celebrate:MK lifestyle magazine. Read the full magazine above or by clicking on this link.

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